I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Summer went swimmingly this year.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
"On cloud wine."
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.