What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
Are you spaghetti? I want to put sauce on you.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
He threw three free throws.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
I wood never leaf you.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I smell like your mom/dad?
You have a pizza my heart.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
I yam what I yam.