Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
You're like fireworks: smokin' hot, fun, and radiant.
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
You are aged to perfection.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
They say everything gets better with age.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
I don’t need to be a doctor to diagnose you with acute smile.
All punts are highly intended
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman