I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
What are police cars made of?
Copper
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
Not even Fahrenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin can measure how hot you are!
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
You know what they say? Words.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
How hot does your gas oven get?
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
Time to celery-brate.