If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
You had me at cello.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!