I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
---
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
"I mead more wine."
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
Girl, you’re truly one in Amelia
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
Hello there, how do you brew?
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"