Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Icy what you did there!
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
You dropped something. My jaw.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.