"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
You make my heart skip a beet.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
You’re so beautiful, you make me feel like an arpeggiated chord… broken.
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.