You sleigh me.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.