When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.