What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!