The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
I'm just like an Easter bunny - sweet, but hollow on the inside.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
You look like my future ex wife.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
It takes one to snow one.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
"Happy eggster."
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.