I’ll never leaf you.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
That look soots you.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
Variety is the ice of life.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
You are my density!
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.