What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
I dreamt about you. You died.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.
And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.
But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.