What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
The superconductor left without resistance.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
I didn't know angels flew this low.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra