A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.