Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
The weather outside is snow joke.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships