Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
Ants in your plants.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.