Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.