I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!
Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?