People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.