What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
This is one spray-cation to remember.
You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.