How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
Your love will always be up to par.
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Time to celery-brate.
"No wine left behind."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.