What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
I'd start a revolution for your number.
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.