What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Did you invent the airplane? Cause you seem Wright for me.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Books are my kind of texts.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
I think, therefore I’m single.
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."