My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Water you doing, my friend?
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
Sleigh, what?!
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
I'm the life of the paddy.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I'm fondue you, it's true
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me