You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
I would give anything to be your personal item.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!