Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.