“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”

- Jr. Williams.

What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!

You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.

"Daddy Neck Stretchers"

A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!


Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.

Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.

I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!

Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.

Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.

– Darlene Gifford

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing

And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.

"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt

My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!

What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.

I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.

My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.

Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.

Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.

Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.

If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.

We should make like your parents and split.

What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.

“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover

I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.

It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.

What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.

The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.

“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown

Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”

What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!

The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.

Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?

A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash

Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.

What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.

What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.

What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.

Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.

“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”

Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!

There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing

Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!

I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.

What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.

What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.

Where do cows get together?
The meet market.

Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle

I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.

"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot

You'd make for some real smooth sailing

What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.

When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.