You’re brew-tiful!
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
I really like you. So does my wife.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash