They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Your Bosons are giving me a Hadron.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.