"Aloe you vera much."
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
You must be related to Nikola Tesla because you're electrifying.
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
"My cat doesn't like you."
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.