What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
I only have ice for you.
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.