“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
I'm acorn-y person.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!