"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
That was thaw-some!
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
Time to spruce things up.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”
Drink happy thoughts.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.