Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.

What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.

What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.

“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar

Don't fork-get your manners.

What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?

A stamp

What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.

Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.

Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.

Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.

What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.

Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.

If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.

What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.

What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!

Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.

Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.

Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.

Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft

My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again

Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.

Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!

Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.

My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!

Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.

Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.

If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.

Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.

With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!

Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.

Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.

Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.

Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.

What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.

“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown

How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight

Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?

I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"

What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.

My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.

I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.