The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
Baby you make my telescope expand.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
I eat eel while you peel eel
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.
If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.
If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.
If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.
All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.
(By Beryl L Edmonds)
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.