Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

(Judith Viorst)

“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer

What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.

Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!

What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.

Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.

Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.

What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.

It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.

"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."

- Unknown

Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.

I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.

"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck

How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.

Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?

What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal

Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.

What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize

Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.

My weekend is fully booked.

Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”

What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.

Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.

"Bed in Summer"

In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.

I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.

And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Do you be-leaf in magic?

What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.

A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.

A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.

Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!

Have your elf a merry little Christmas.

The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.

A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".

Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.

Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!

Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!

Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.

Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."

If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.

Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea

How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.

What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"

The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!

Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!

I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll

Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.