My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
I think we need to become better strangers.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.