What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
You’re the queen of my heart.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
when I’m with you.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.