How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
I wanna bob for your apples.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.