What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
Corona crisis reaches new level:
Iran out of toilet paper.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
We are mint to be.
-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.