What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
Girl, let me take you home and show you my advanced statistic.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.