Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
I’m very frond of you.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
It takes one to snow one.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.