Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
Forget a trophy wife…. I’m looking for a Sophie wife
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
Your fragrance lights up my life.
Fishing you a happy day.
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.