What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
Girls just wanna have sun!
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
You had me at taco.
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.