“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery

This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.

Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.

What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.

What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers

What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.

What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!

"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"

How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.

I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.

What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.

What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?

He came, he thawed, he conquered.

“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker

My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"

Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.

If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.

What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.

What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.

I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.

"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."

Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock

“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw

“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown

What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.

“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”

- Jeff Lindsay.

What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!

My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.

Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.

Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.

Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!

“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”

- Buddy Hacket

What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.

What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.

There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.

What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.

The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".

Resting Grinch face.

Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.

Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.

“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman

An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.

You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley