Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.

How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265

My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.

What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!

My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”

A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.

The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.

You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.

What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.

Girl you are rocking this run.

It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.

He must belong to an extreme mist organization.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.

Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.

I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.

"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown

If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.

Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.

Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.

A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.

What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!

If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life

What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.

What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!

What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

- James Baldwin.

What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.

How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.

I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.

What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.

Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!

The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.

How does a suit put his child into bed?

He tux him in.

The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.

Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time

What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.

How do you know a car is a good price?

If it is a Ford-able.

What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.

I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!

(Susanna Rose)

The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.