Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
You’re as sweet as Pi.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
I’m feelin’ green.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
Mooning is very ASStrological
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.