One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.

What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.

What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!

Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!

After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."

What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.

What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.

What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.

A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.

She was really itching to get out of here.

“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous

I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.

Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.

What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.

There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.

What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.

“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown

“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”

Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.

What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?

The Cherokees.

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.

Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.

The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!

It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.

My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!

What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.

“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown

What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!

Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.

Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"

Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.

Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.

Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.

Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!

What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.

What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!

"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton

Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!

I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.

What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?

What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.

This is snow laughing matter!

If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.