Can I slip one past your goalie?
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
So, is it my dugout or yours?
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.