Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
I scored when I met you.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
I have no shelf control.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.