Want to become my new personal best?
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
When I log my run in my journal today, it will say I ran with my future wife today.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.