I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
I can heartly wait to see you again.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
I’ll never fir-get.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.