Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
"Bugs and hisses."
Nice to meet you, Jasmine… so shall we remove the Jas and just make you Mine?
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
The weather outside is snow joke.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
Composers always score.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.