A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
Hey girl, are you a defibrillator? Cause you’re sending shocks straight to my heart.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
Fishing you a happy day.
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.
-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.