What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!