"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
Sip, sip, horray!
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
I whale always love you.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Live to tell the tail.