When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown