Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
Your beauty is blinding.
I'm at my best during overtime.
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”