I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
We’ll have a ball.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
Dublin’ the fun.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
Some bunny loves you.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.