“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"