What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.

“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”

What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer

Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!

A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.

What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.

You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.

Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.

Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!

"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"

I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.

Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.

Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.

The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.

“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”

- Percy French.

"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben

What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad

What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.

Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.

How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.

Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!

I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.

When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."

Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.

“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown

I need to take this picture for my instayam

You can shiver my timbers anytime.

What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.

I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.

What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"

What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.

"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"

"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke

One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”

4G, or not 4G, that is the question.

You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye

The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.

Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.

It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.

Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.

My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.

“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder

Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.

There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.

What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.