Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
You mermake me happy.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Baby owl.
Baby owl who?
Baby owl see you later at my place.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
Is this the registration table? Because I need a number from you.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.