Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
If I kissed you on one cheek, would you turn the other?
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
We’re in a-green-ment.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
I beacha miss summer already!