Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
I really caribou-t you.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
Belize me, baby, I will Peru'v my love for you at any Cost.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
I didn’t know that my favorite Halloween treat came in life size!
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
In the eyes of the lawn.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.