Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.