I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.