Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.