Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Man is Fatally Slain.
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.