A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
When God made you, he was just showing off.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.