What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
Whatever floats your goat.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Time fries when you’re having fun!
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
"You crack me up."
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store