I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.