What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
How about a kanga-root?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.