What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
You're my purr-son.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.