What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"

"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller

I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.

How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.

What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”

What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.

Why settle for metaphors? How about I turn that simile into a smile?

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.

Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!

Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.

St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.

Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.

"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous

Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen

What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.

What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.

“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar

As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"

Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.

How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?

“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller

When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?

What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.

Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!

Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!

Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.

Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.

If there's a will, there's a wave.

Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.

Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.

I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.

I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.

Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.

You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.

“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.