Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
Hey babe, I’ve been straining my oculomotor nerve looking everywhere for you.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
You’re my lucky charm.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
I’m thinking about buying a new phone because this crappy one doesn’t have your number in it.
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
As it snow happens.