You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
We’re mint to be.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
Ants in your plants.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
Say it ain’t snow.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.