"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.