I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.