Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".