What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!

How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.

“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous

Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.

Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'

Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.

A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"

What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"

Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!

When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'

My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.

What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!

Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism

What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.

3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!

Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.

If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..

"Is that a yay or cabernet?"

My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.

Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.

What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.

Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!

It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!

Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!

"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.

(Kim Merryman)

How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!

What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!

When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.

A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.

Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.

"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!

I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.

"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones

I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?

What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.

Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.

"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."

– Sadhguru

Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!

What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!

I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.

Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!

Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date

What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.

What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny

“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare

You’re a perfect ten(t).

I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.

I’m soy into you.

Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.

A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."