Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.