What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!

What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.

Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.

I would part the Red Sea for you.

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.

I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.

Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear

What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”

Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.

What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.

What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.

After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.

How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony

A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.

"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama

It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.

.

If you travel to the future and get decapitated

You'd be ahead of your time

What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.

There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”

My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.

Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!

Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy

Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.

Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.

What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!

If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.

“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson

What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.

"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.

He’s an elf-made man.

What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.

Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.

That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.

A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns

My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”

“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”

- Robert Brault.

Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.

What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass

How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!

Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level

What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.