What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
I always have a souper time with you.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.