What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
You’ve been working too yard.
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
That crazy little sun of a beach.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."