If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
Books are my kind of texts.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!