What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!