What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
Don’t go bacon my heart.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.