A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
I’m fondue you.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."