What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
Is there an airport nearby? Or is that just my heart taking off?
I'm snow bored.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!