I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?

What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius

What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?

Fast food.

Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!

Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.

What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"

Me: "No it doesn't.”

If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?

Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.

In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach

What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!

In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.

My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"

What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.

Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.

I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.

What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.

There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.

Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.

What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!

Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!

Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.

Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.

What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.

What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.

Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.

What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!

Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.

When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.

What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.

Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's

Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.

Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.

How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.

Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.

So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.

I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink

Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.

Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie

Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)

What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.

(Unknown)

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.