What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.

After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."

What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.

Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!

Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones

What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four

"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull

Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.

The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti

What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!

The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey

My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.

Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.

Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.

“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”

- Ari Fishbein.

What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.

A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"

Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.

What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.

Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"

If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.

Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.

This is snow laughing matter!

I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.

I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.

What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.

Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.

How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.

How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.

When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.

"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein

What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.

"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great

“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.

What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.

Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...

It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.

Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!

I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.

Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.

What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.

Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?

What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships