What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!

What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.

“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown

What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.

My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.

“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.

“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”

What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.

I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.

What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.

I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.

Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."

"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown

The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers

What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.

Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.

What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.

Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?

I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?

Can I show you my yellow submarine?

"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.

A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.

Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.

"Crabby"

I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.

If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.

– Barbara Vance

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!

What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.

What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.

Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.

What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!

"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers

Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.

I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.

We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.

Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.

If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.

What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.

What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.

When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.

What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.