Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
You’re so hot you make my lab goggles fog up.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.