You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
"I'm eggs-hausted."
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.