The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
That crazy little sun of a beach.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
That’s a bit mulch.