Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).

What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!

"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.

Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.

Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.

“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”

- Erma Bombeck.

I’m ready to shamrock and roll.

There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded

Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.

Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.

I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.

What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!

Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"

You'd make for some real smooth sailing

Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.

I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.

As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.

The turkey shot out of the oven

and rocketed into the air,

it knocked every plate off the table

and partly demolished a chair.

- Jack Prelutsky

How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.

I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.

Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.

How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?

Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.

Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.

I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.

My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.

What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.

Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.

What sport does a cat play? Hairball!

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain

I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.

Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.

My Cobra pose isn't the only thing that's rising upward.

What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!

I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.

They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Can I be one of the men in your box?

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!

What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster

Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben